50 Funny Facebook Statuses

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Facebook is the source of so much funny. A few days ago, we looked at some funny Facebook covers so we had to dive into funny Facebook statuses next. From funny Facebook statuses that were clearly posted for the purpose of making people laugh to terrible misspellings that completely change the meaning of what the original poster was going for, these funny Facebook statuses will definitely keep you entertained. Make sure you scroll all the way down to the bottom for 50 more funny Facebook statuses you can use yourself – just copy and paste!

50 Funny Facebook Statuses and Funny Facebook Fails

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image source: lamebook.com

01: With Friends Like That, Who Needs Enemies?

A pet psychologist might tell you this dog is trying to tell you it is displeased with you in some way. Perhaps you’ve brought a new pet into the house, have changed the dog’s food to an inferior brand or something along those lines. I generally think that’s phooey. Truth is, sometimes dogs are just jerks. I’d say the dog thought it was hilarious. He was probably right.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

02: The Duck Face Migration 

I don’t get Duck Face. I never have. There isn’t a single picture of me out there doing Duck Face. Maybe it’s just something for the younger generation but I think it looks ridiculous. The idea that all the Duck Face girls out there would fly south makes me smile. Just imagine the ramifications though. These girls never seem to go anywhere without their cameras. If they flew south, we’d probably get even more Duck Face. Not worth it.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

03: Flawed Logic

This is one of those great funny Facebook statuses in which the original status isn’t really all that funny but the comments on the status are. I love Laura’s response. If only ever lame Facebook status had a Laura to bring a little logic to the table … well, this would be a pretty short list.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

04: The Unicycle Theory

Everyone knows a unicycle is infinitely better than a tricycle so this one wins on that basic premise alone. Add to that the fact that you get all the fun of staying home and you have the reasons this Facebook status is my new motto. I also have to point out the fact that this person’s Facebook language is set to ‘pirate’ – probably my favorite Facebook option. I want to be friends with this person. We can be unicycles together … or something that actually makes sense.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

05: The Resolutions Resolution

It actually kind of shocks me that this isn’t already a thing. It just has to be, right?

image source: lamebook,com

image source: lamebook,com

06: Um … What?

Sometimes a Facebook status is so mind-numbingly dumb that you’re just absolutely positive there has to be an explanation for it. I figured that was the case with this one. I mean, there are a few ways you could read 420. It could be 4:20 as in 20 minutes after 4 in the afternoon. It could be April 20. I’m sure Lena here was making a weed reference of some sort regardless. The problem with the status is that perhaps she’s been smoking a little too much weed because I can’t even begin to follow the logic train that caused her to post this status. If she means 4:20 in the afternoon then yes, yes it will certainly come on Friday the 13th. If she means the date then no, it could not come on Friday the 13th. Let me explain why. Friday the 13th refers to a month in which the 13th day falls on a Friday, thereby making it Friday the 13th, also known as the day superstitious people believe is the unluckiest day on the calendar. For that reason, Friday the 13th absolutely could not land on April the 20th. You know what they say about common sense – it ain’t that common.

image source: lamebook

image source: lamebook

07: There is always one.

Come on, Jon – facts have no place on Facebook. In all seriousness though, I’ve seen so many posts like Matthew’s on my Facebook timeline and I always want to comment with something similar to what Jon responded with. It’s just perfect, isn’t it? And for far too many people, it’s also very true.

source: unfriendable.com

source: unfriendable.com

08: Please tell me she’s kidding. Please.

This one is a classic in the world of funny Facebook statuses. There’s a reason for that. It’s hilarious. Not only is the original poster completely wrong in her (or his, but I’ve seen this attributed to a female enough times to believe the original poster is female) assertion that the sun is not a star, she also argues with those who point out that she’s completely wrong. Really, people – the sun is a star. It is. If you argue with that, you are wrong. I can be a little more forgiving with the tomato thing. Technically speaking, tomatoes do belong to the fruit family for various scientific reasons you can look up on your own. They’re often referred to as vegetables though because they’re often used alongside true vegetables like potatoes or celery in cooking.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

09: Why not just save yourself the trouble and turn yourself in?

Drinking and driving is bad. Don’t we all know this by now? If you are going to be stupid enough to drive drunk though, don’t brag about it on Facebook – especially if you’ve hit a car. The subject of this Facebook story by a local news station proves why. These stories aren’t even as uncommon as one may think. Yes, criminals all over the world are getting busted by bragging about their crimes on Facebook or, worse, breaking into homes, checking their Facebook and forgetting to log out. Yup – that’s happened and it’s happened more than once.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

10: Okay, that’s just a little too creepy for me.

I have some strange neighbors and occasionally that means very strange music blaring from their homes. Usually, it’s some kind of old school pop or rap like Backstreet Boys, Hanson, Salt-N-Peppa or something alone those lines. Annoying? Sure, sometimes but I’m sure they’re just as annoyed by the indie rock I occasionally blast while pretending to be an international rock star. I think the situation would be a bit different on both sides if we opted for the Halloween theme instead. Just imagine it. That just takes creepy to a whole new level.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

11: A little humor in the checkout line.

This just made me laugh so much. I mean, it really did. I can just imagine how both of those guys felt. This is dealing with an awkward moment like a pro. I’m sure that story has been told and retold by the guy who made the comment, the guy buying condoms and the woman working at the register. Instant classic.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

12: I must know the answer. Now.

Finally, a research project I’d actually want to participate in. My only regret is that this person’s name has been blacked out and I can’t look him (or her) up to inquire about the results of his study. I must know the True Champion. I bet it was the brown ones. On the downside, this particular Facebook status has really made me crave M&Ms – a delicious treat I am currently out of. I think I will need to remedy that as soon as possible.

image source: lamebook,com

image source: lamebook,com

13: Ew …

Come on, people. Passing gas on the bus is just rude. In fact, if you’re anywhere that involves being in close quarters with other people, passing gas is rude. No one wants to deal with that. Wait until you’re at least on the street instead of forcing everyone trapped inside a confined space to deal with your smell. I’m not sure I believe Chris with his feeling the fart bus trip story but honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me. There are some very suspect people out there – especially on public buses.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

14: No one wants to be your friend. 

Is it mean? Yes. Is it funny? Yes! I’m sure some people would be upset but I’m sure most would get the joke. If I was browsing Facebook and got a notification that said, “No One wants to be your friend”, I’d think it was funny. I’d show my husband. Then I’d accept the request and move on. Too bad Facebook doesn’t allow such things because it would seriously be funny.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

15: Sometimes delayed flights are good. Who knew?

This is fantastic. This is fantastic on nearly every conceivable level. In all honesty, I’m not positive it’s true but I like to imagine that it is. I’m also not positive I’d like to be the person on that flight as it doesn’t really seem entirely safe but I guess it was probably a pretty routine flight as far as the pilot was concerned aside from the fact that his plane was carrying considerably less passengers than usual. Plus, if something did go wrong, you’d really only have to worry about yourself instead of other passengers trying to get to the exit or putting everyone in danger somehow. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

16: Is the Bat Mobile really a bus?

Ah, this made me laugh in such a big way. I can totally imagine myself saying something like this and then immediately feeling like a terrible person. With my luck though, the driver wouldn’t get the reference. Luckily for Tai, the driver did get the reference and they shared a great moment.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

17: No, Cody – Billy was right.

I get where Cody is coming from here. I have a lot of great Christians on my friends list but I also have a lot of not-so-great Christians – the Christians that don’t exactly behave in the most Christianly way. I’ve occasionally ranted about those particular Christians on my own Facebook page so yes, I feel Cody’s frustration. With that said, I think his argument might be better received if he’d been a little more careful with the spelling. For the record, it’s “hypocritical”.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

18: This ambulance driver is clearly working too much.

People can be jerks. I will never deny that. I’ve seen far too many people refuse to pull over for firetrucks and ambulances to ever be convinced otherwise. For that reason, I can totally see where this ambulance driver was coming from, but I have to wonder if his efforts were actually successful. Did people actually get out of the way? Well, either way it gave Sonja a good chuckle – and me as well – so that has to count for something.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

19: No denying that one, Mom. 

Oh man. There’s just no way Mom can deny what she was looking up. She was pretty specific. The only thing that could’ve made it worse would’ve been actually including his name. Mom – just talk to your son. Don’t turn to the internet for answers. The internet is full of great information, sure, but it’s also full of just as much misinformation. If you think your son might be gay, ask him about it. Don’t ask the internet. The answer you get will almost certainly be snarky and probably wrong.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

20: A true classic in the world of funny Facebook statuses.

I think we’ve all seen funny Facebook statuses like this one but no matter how many times I see it, it always makes me smile because I really have to wonder if such a thing would happen. Facebook has changed the way we communicate and the way we socialize. How would society cope with Facebook disappearing? I have to imagine it would go a lot like the status suggests, probably with a lot of inappropriate poking as well, not to mention casual acquaintances walking up to you and saying, “I’d like to be your friend. Confirm or Decline?”

image source: unfriendable.com

image source: lamebook.com

21: It’s okay guys. The deep fryer is my best friend too.

I like the way Facebook’s tagging system is set up in theory but perhaps it still needs a little work. Or, perhaps Facebook is just trying to expand its empire to include inanimate objects as well. People already have Facebook accounts for their pets. Maybe a Facebook page for the deep fryer or the toaster is just the next step. I know my deep fryer is like a member of my family. Without it, I’d be lost – healthier, I’m sure, but lost.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

22: Sure it’s sexist, but it’s still funny.

I know, I know. Sexist jokes aren’t funny. Not all women are bad drivers. Not all men refuse to ask for directions. Stereotypes are often inaccurate. Whatever. This still made me laugh. I don’t think anyone is going to see this status and think all women are terrible drivers who can’t park. I happen to be a woman who is a terrible driver that absolutely can’t part so perhaps this status just speaks to me on a personal level.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

23: Darn those scientists and they’re constant attempts to prove things.

I think I get what the original poster was going for here but perhaps there was a little something lost in the delivery. People are entitled to believe whatever they want to believe and sometimes science can throw a wet blanket on that. Of course, true believers are going to believe. Science is irrelevant. The problem with this particular status is that, well, scientists have to try to prove stuff. It’s kind of their job. If you believe God is real then you are going to continue to believe God is real. If you believe God isn’t real, you are going to continue believing God isn’t real. Why don’t we all just agree to disagree?

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

24: Sad? Yes, but the girl has a point.

Oh boy, this made me laugh. I have been that girl. Is it a little sad that was her first thought? Maybe but it was also hilarious.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

25: A romantic comedy for real life.

I hear you, lady. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written something I think is hilarious only to read it to someone who barely even cracks a smile. I am married but my husband is perhaps the least romantic person on the face of the planet. I do make him laugh, though – usually not on purpose and usually because I’ve inadvertently said something really dumb, really dirty or both.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

26: … but you should never, ever try it.

Cocaine is bad. It can lead to addiction and all sorts of health problems but I have to say, it is kind of like what someone would expect powdered Red Bull to be – at least I assume so. Yes. Moving on to the next one.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

27: Oh spelling – sometimes it makes all the difference.

Come on – don’t we all know the difference between “pee” and “pea” by now? Let’s talk about the difference, shall we? A friend would bring you pea soup if they want to make you feel better when you’re sick or even just for a tasty treat to let you know they’re thinking about you. A friend would not bring you pee soup under any circumstance, unless, of course, they’re trying to tell you they no longer want to be your friend and decided to let you know in the most disgusting possible way.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

28: Yes, what Stuart said.

Lisa Frank school supplies are magical, whimsical, colorful school supplies beloved by young girls (at us young at heart girls) the world over. Anne Frank school supplies would likely be much less … happy. I can’t imagine what they would look like but I doubt they’d be exactly flying off the shelves. By the way, Lisa Frank school supplies are still available. You can buy them through the official Lisa Frank website. I have spent far more money than I care to admit on that website and have never been disappointed.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

29: An awesome answer for a weird question.

I’m quite certain cows don’t think of making milk as a super power but kudos to this woman (I assume) for thinking of it as such. It does give me scores of ideas for a fantastic cow based comic book but I’ll save that for another time. What really makes this one of my all time favorite funny Facebook statuses is the response. I’m sure that is a superpower many people possess (which is why I no longer drink) but it was still a fantastic reply all the same.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

30: Some people have no sense of humor.

Nothing peeves me off more than people who can’t take a joke. The world is full of them too. As someone who writes online for a living and occasionally takes a stab at humor, I certainly have come across my fair share of them. All the same, if you post something so melodramatic and whiny as your Facebook status, you’re just begging for someone to call you on it.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

31: Excellent point, M.

I eat when I’m sad. I eat when I’m happy. I eat when I’m bored. I eat when I’m sleepy. Sometimes I even eat when I’m hungry. I know I’m not alone in this. That’s why I love this little back and forth between M and N on Facebook. Eating may put a Band-Aid on a lot of different things but it doesn’t even offer that service to obesity.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

32: Oh … dear. 

Nope – there is just no hope for Hope. I find it so hard to believe that Hope was being serious but at the same time, looking at some of the other statuses on this list, it really wouldn’t surprise me at all if she was. To clear up any confusion about why this is so sad (and hilarious), let’s talk about what “gullible” means. Per reference.com:

gul-li-ble

adjective

Easily persuaded to believe something, credulous.

Synonyms: credulous, naive, trustful

Let’s use it in a sentence now: “Hope is incredibly gullible.”

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

33: Oh I hear you on this one, Sammi

Out of all the Facebook statuses on this list, this one is probably closest to my own heart. As I mentioned above, I write online for a living. That basically means I spend lots of time in front of my computer researching various topics I’m asked to write about. I know very well how easy it is to get distracted from the things I’m supposed to be doing thanks to random internet things. Of course, I usually find a way to work whatever I get distracted by into whatever article I’m writing – not exactly something one can do with house cleaning.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

34: Quite the math burn there, my friend.

I love people who have a sense of humor about themselves and Sam is a great example of that. On top of that, he got to poke fun at himself while simultaneously implying the guy he was talking to was dumb. Did this exchange really happen? Well, it’s Facebook so it’s hard to say but I will say it made me laugh so true or not, this Sam kid is alright in my books.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

35: Sage advice from Mom.

Believe in Jesus? Fine. Don’t believe in Jesus? Also fine. I don’t stick my nose into other people’s beliefs. It’s just a rule I have. Another rule I have? Always listen to my mother because, in general, mothers are usually much smarter than their children. Not always the case, of course, but I’d say it’s true most of the time. And really – punching Jesus? Probably not the best idea. If he’s not real, you’re wasting your time. If he is, you’ve earned yourself a one way ticket to the land of fire and brimstone and that’s probably about as much fun as it sounds like it would be.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

36: Kids really do say the darndest things – and draw them too, apparently.

Oh from the mouths (or pencils) of babes, right? I wish I could’ve been that teacher’s face. I always took these funny kid stories with a grain of salt and then a dear friend had a child of her own. Then that child began talking and I have to say, some of the stuff I’ve heard that kid say could easily be on this list. If only she was old enough to have a Facebook account.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

37: I want to be friends with Jack.

I generally don’t like people who correct simple spelling errors on Facebook. It’s kind of annoying, really. With that said, Jack has done it with such wit and flair here, I couldn’t possible get mad. Perhaps this young lady’s spelling issues are inherited though. I mean, just look at how her name is spelled. I’ve seen a lot of variations on the proper spelling of the name – Amy, Aimee etc – but this one is new. Okay, you can all feel free to pick through the article and find any and all spelling mistakes I’ve made and call them to my attention in the comments section. Fair is fair.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

38: How about a little inanimate insanity?

I’ve not only apologized to inanimate objects, I’ve apologized loudly and dramatically to inanimate objects in front of a whole room full of people. Usually alcohol was involved. I have to say though, none of the objects have responded to me as of yet so I guess I’m not insane – at least not in that way.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

39: I have never seen Breaking Bad. 

Honest admission – I have never seen Breaking Bad. It’s one of those shows everyone tells me I need to see but I just haven’t gotten around to it yet. Hey, I’m a busy person. Just back off, okay? I’ll get to it eventually – right after The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Mad Men. In any event, I’ve picked up enough about the show from the ramblings of various friends that I have a pretty good idea what’s going on with the show and I have to say, that would be an epic plot twist and one I’d really like to see.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

40: I want to be friends with Lisa.

I don’t know who this Lisa person is but I like her style. Who needs friends when you can be your own best friend? I mean, no one has more in common with me than me and no one gets my sense of humor like I do. So Lisa is having a Facebook conversation with herself. It seems like it’s going better than many of the Facebook conversations I’ve had with other people.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

41: James Hetfield clearly has a Mini-Wheat on his chin and that’s pretty awesome.

I’ve seen this photo of Metallica roughly a million times yet I’ve never noticed the Mini-Wheat James Hetfield seems to have grown on his chin. Frosted Mini-Wheats are delicious by the way. That kind of makes me want to eat James’ chin. I’m not sure that was exactly the look he was going for.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

42: I bet Kevin was delicious.

As I mentioned above, I really enjoy eating. I enjoy the heck out of it. I have pretty simple tastes though. My favorite snack is sunflower seeds and my favorite meal is the humble tuna sandwich. For that reason alone, I love this status. i have to admit though, if anyone ate my tuna sandwich, they would incur some pretty serious wrath. You have all been warned.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

43: Some humor for the Oregon Trail to enjoy.

This one might be a little old school for some of you, but I remember Oregon Trail quite well. Computers were just being introduced to classrooms when I started school so by the time I was actually old enough to use them, Oregon Trail was all the rage. That could be why this funny Facebook status made me chuckle the way it did. “Dissin’ Terry” … classic.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

44: Honesty, Facebook style.

A lot of people like to exaggerate on Facebook and by exaggerate, I obviously mean flat out lie. It’s just part of the Facebook culture. I like this photo and the accompanying caption because it’s honest. No, all girls don’t use their boobs to get out of tickets but some of ‘em do and it’s nice to see them admit it every now and again.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

45: You say “Goodbye” and I say “Hello” … Hello, Hello! 

CJ is right. It doesn’t take all that long to say “goodbye”. In fact, I’d say it probably takes just as long to say “goodbye” as it takes to say “hello” but I don’t think that’s what the original poster was going for. I get the sentiment behind the statement but I love the humor in the response. Plus, including this one on the list gave me the chance to make a Beatles reference and that always makes me happy.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

46: Yeah … Tom knows the score.

I really don’t know what to say about this one. I … ya know what? I’m just gonna go ahead and move on to the next one. If you’re not sure why this one’s funny, Wiki Helen Keller.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

47: This is parenting done right!

Little hard to read in the photo but the sign the boy is holding reads:

“I have to take back the PS3 I was getting for Christmas because I wasn’t grateful to receive a Captain America action figure (that I received from church) so I’m going Christmas shopping for other kids with the refund money.”

I have to say this mother (or possibly father) got it right on this one. Not to sound old (although, who am I kidding, I am a little old) but kids these days don’t know how to be gracious. When someone gives you a gift you don’t like, you say thank you, rewrap it and give it to someone else.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

48: I must concur.

A company should not be allowed to advertise something as anything flavored unless it at least someone calls to mind that flavor. I have never in my life tasted ‘grape flavored’ cough syrup that actually tasted like anything remotely resembling a grape. Making something purple does not mean you are making it taste like a grape. It means you’re making it purple. This is not rocket science. It’s common sense. Let’s have a little truth in advertising: “Purple Colored Cough Syrup: Tastes Terrible But Will Make You Feel Marginally Better”.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

49: Finally, the perfect way to describe how love feels.

Not too long ago, I was sitting at a bar with my mother and a friend of hers (okay, I still drink sometimes) and the conversation turned to my occupation. As soon as my mother mentioned that one of my jobs is writing relationship articles, her friend immediately asked me to tell her how someone knows they’re in love. I went into a rather detailed explanation that really didn’t explain love at all. Silly me – all I had to do was look at Aili’s Facebook status because that pretty much sums it up.

image source: lamebook.com

image source: lamebook.com

50: You probably shouldn’t try to borrow a dollar from this guy.

I’m pretty sure this guy is kidding. Right? He has to be. One dollar equals 100 cents. Or, to put it another way, if you have 100 pennies, you would have one dollar. If you have 60 pennies, you would not have one dollar. You would have 60 cents. Perhaps the confusion lies in the fact that there are 60 minutes in one hour. Either way, this guy really needs to get the hang of this whole seconds versus cents thing or life is going to be very confusing for him.

50 Funny Facebook Statuses You Can Use

  1. I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could find some of those receipts.
  2. There’s a reason by “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
  3. In my experience, most arguments I’m involved with start because someone has failed to understand I’m always right.
  4. My neighbors listen to excellent music … whether they like it or not.
  5. Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being lazy that I’m too angry to do anything about it.
  6. Fact: No one has ever “jumped in the shower.” Prove me wrong with pictures.
  7. Don’t get out of bed. It’s a trap.
  8. Research has shown that when someone shouts “oh no he didn’t” he, in fact, did.
  9. The existence of the ‘snooze’ button tells you everything you need to know about the human race.
  10. There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent’s dry cleaner.
  11. A husband is someone who acts as if they’ve just cleaned the entire house after taking out the garbage.
  12. A woman doesn’t say “What?” because she doesn’t hear you. She says it because she wants to give you the chance to change what you said.
  13. My bed is always extra comfortable when I need to get out of it earlier than usual.
  14. “One day your prince will come,” they said. Sure. I think he took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
  15. I always learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.
  16. I hate people who steal my ideas before I think of them.
  17. All my life I thought air was free … then I bought a bag of chips.
  18. Try to say the letter ‘m’ properly without your lips touching.
  19. I loved my neighbors until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
  20. I love my six pack so much I protect it with a thick layer of fat.
  21. Those first five days after the weekend are the toughest.
  22. Sometimes I find myself looking at a person and thinking, “Really? That’s the sperm that won?”
  23. How do people write autobiographies? I can barely remember what I had for breakfast.
  24. Admit it – you listen to other people’s conversations and give you opinion.
  25. Dear Google: Thank you for answering every weird question I’ve ever had.
  26. I hate when someone decides to be funny right when I’m trying to drink something,
  27. Friday is my second favorite f-word.
  28. Dear women who say all men are the same – no one told you to try them all.
  29. I really do give 100% at work: 13% on Monday, 22% on Tuesday, 26% on Wednesday, 35% on Thursday and 4% on Friday.
  30. If you think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, please remember that is where the knives are kept. Maybe you should reconsider.
  31. A single teacher can’t teach all of the subjects so how can a single student be expected to learn all of them?
  32. Google is so pushy. It never lets me finish my question before it interrupts with a whole list of guesses and suggestions.
  33. Dear food; I’m giving you two options. Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
  34. Dear math; stop asking me to find your x. She’s not coming back. Just let it go.
  35. Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of every successful man is usually the other woman.
  36. Marriage is kind of like going to a restaurant, weighing your options,placing your order and wishing you ordered what the next table is having about halfway through your meal.
  37. Money can’t buy you happiness but it does pay for internet which is pretty much the same thing.
  38. Internet speak translated: “BRB” = I don’t want to talk to you. “LOL” = I have nothing else to say. “Cool” – I don’t care.
  39. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade then add vodka. Problem solved.
  40. If you can’t find the key to success, pick the lock.
  41. Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.
  42. Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, expensive, fattening or addictive.
  43. I know that somewhere out there my soul mate is waiting for me to find her but looking for her is so much harder than sitting home and ordering pizza so unless she delivers pizza, I fear we will never meet.
  44. Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones out there to make.
  45. There are a lot of fish in the sea but I think there may be a whole in my net.
  46. Don’t tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire unless you want to wake up the next morning and see you have a flat tire.
  47. Married men should forget their mistakes. There’s no reason for two people to remember them.
  48. When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be, “I left a million dollars in the …”
  49. In about 40 years, there will be millions of old ladies running around with tramp stamps. This idea makes me smile.
  50. When I was born, I was so surprised I didn’t speak for a year and a half.
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